(September 14th 2023)
Hello everybodyyyy,
WEEK 1 is in the books. After months and months of anxious waiting and days and days of post-draft roster analysis, we can finally see what was in front of us all along… Joe’s team is going to suck.
But actually, Week 1 had it all. Bad games, good games, QB injuries (RIP Rodgers), good teams losing, bad teams winning, Matt O. dropping 200 points on Joe’s head, Kenneth Gainwell settling in as the Eagles RB1, Puka Nucua (who?) becoming everyone’s favorite fantasy pickup, and of course me starting off my championship defense with a solid W.
Now that we have had a few days to digest Week 1 and everyone’s rosters, it is time to begin the season with the DEFINITIVE Power Rankings from 1–10 based on my completely objective and all-encompassing football knowledge. A wise man once said, “Success and failure aren’t the same for every team”. But that's what I’m here for: To put things into perspective!
1. 40K Magic
What a start for Matt. Dropping 200 points in Week 1 is quite the statement. 36 points from a defense is CRAZY and then Tyreek absolutely feasting made it no contest, AND THAT’S BEFORE we even talk about Brandon Ayiuk or Justin Herbert. Will this type of production be maintained? not a chance! but Matt didn't even have Mark Andrews last week. The worst part of all of this is the massive lead he stacked up for the coveted Scoring Champion crown. I guess it’s time I stop gaslighting him…. whatever that means.
2. You Just Got Cammed
Once upon a time, Cam was considered to be one of the premier challengers in our little fantasy football league. However, a rough 2022 season caused his to lose a little bit of his luster. But it’s looking like this is the year he shows he belongs in the tier with Me and Andrew (and Matt O?) rather than the tier with Seth and Joe. Bijan is scarier than I expected, and then he ALSO has Tony Pollard and Justin Jefferson to round off a Big 3 that’s almost as intimidating as the infamous Kelce, Mahomes, and Ekeler. If Deshaun Watson can keep his head (and other extremities) in the game he has a real shot to be a league heavyweight this year.
3. Le Petite Prince
Trust me, I would love to rank myself higher, but after Matt O. and Cam’s domination this week I’ll have to settle for 3rd despite taking care of perennial league heavyweight Andrew WITHOUT Travis Kelce. The days of my Big 3 are over and I must accept that, but I fully believe that my stacked group of WRs will make up for my CURRENT lack of RB talent behind Etienne. I trust myself to figure it out and hopefully have most of you punching the air as I win week in and week out with Mike Evans and Deebo Samuel.
4. Sphace
Seth was so bad last year that I ended up rooting for him pretty consistently. I mean come on, everyone loves an underdog. He’s looking like much more of a threat this year though, so back to being a hater I go. Justin Fields looked like ass last week and from a fantasy perspective, there were some orange flags popping up around my boy Ekeler and the now QB-less Garret Wilson. I can't tell if Seth’s team is gonna be good yet, but I think I’m leaning towards no. We will have to check back in in a few weeks.
*ALSO, no apologies coming from me if any of my takes are wrong
5. Le Grande Jefe
I guess Alex thinks he's big stuff now that he has joined the dad club with this new name. But let us not so quickly forget…. He won the lowest-scoring matchup of the week because Aaron Rodgers (RIP) gave Big Al all of 0 points. and his roster is somewhat underwhelming unless Najee and Darren Waller step up. However, I am pretty impressed with his bench. Jakobi Meyers looks like he might enjoy the Jimmy Garappolo magic and Romeo Doubbs and Tyler Algier are looking SOLID pieces in a pinch. I can’t tell if I’m rooting for Alex or not, but I am definitely intrigued.
6. Al’s Chicken
Am I only saying this to give our friend Allen some positive reinforcement so he stays engaged for the whole season… Yeah probably. BUT, he did have a pretty decent draft and SHOULD HAVE WON this past week. He has solid RB options with Barkley and Miles Sanders. However, his real value is the WR room. Chase (and for good measure, Goedert)won’t have a worse game than they did last week. Ridley looks SPECIAL with JSN waiting in the wings as a high-upside lottery ticket. As long as we don’t let Big Al try to trade Chase for Kyle Pitts after last week’s Bengals’ performance, he is setting himself up for a bounce-back year.
7. Ozark’s Revenge
Do you all remember what it was like to watch Demarco Murray play for the Eagles. He had been so good for the Cowboys, but we were forced to watch him dissolve into mediocrity. It was a truly frustrating and sad experience as an Eagles fan. And I think I speak for the league when I say it is going to be even sadder to watch Andrew also fade into mediocrity this year. The only person with an RB room worse than fine is going to be forced to rely on Stefon Diggs, a more conservative Jalen Hurts, and *checks notes* Evan Engram. Sad…..
8. Panda Express
I know it is only our third year but it kinda feels like Luke is engrained in the 8th spot in our league. He’s never the worst in the league and he’s also NEVER close to being good. He’s mid. Just like his team this year. CMC and King Henry… 2 thumbs up! Drake London, Chris Godwin, and Javonte Williams…. Meh. He’s not gonna lose every game (which I can’t say is out of the possibility for everyone in the league), but he will probably hover in the 5th-8th spot in the rankings all year. But hey we won't gatekeep the league from you like how you did the rent you pay from us.
9. Sauce Boss
Can we get an F in the chat for our boy….
He spent weeks agonizing over the number one pick only to take Cooper Kupp who has since headed to a possible season-long journey on the IR/PUP list. But hey at least all of his value picks worked out Week 1! Oh wait... Kyle Pitts, Rachaad White, and Odell combined for 18 points. Things are looking quite bleak for Joseph. Thankfully Amon Ra St. Brown and Olave should be consistent, and man did Jahmyr Gibbs look promising. To quote Joe’s paragon of medical expertise“The night is darkest before the dawn”. Maybe Joe’s dawn is coming soon.
10. Bye Week
Welcome back to the bottom of the league my friend. Matt must have really enjoyed his jorts and L chain because he is positioning himself to be right back there again next year. His post draft began with Jonathan Taylor heading to the PUP list for who knows how long. It then continued with Sky Moore, Cam Akers, and Christian Kirk all having extremely disheartening Week 1 performances. Matt doesn't even have a starting TE on his roster! Things have been on a straight decline for our boy ever since we bullied him out of filling up his roster with Cowboys. Here is a throwback meme to hopefully inspire some change.
BENCH BLUES:
The best performers from each week that had the privilege to rack up their points while on someone’s bench.
1. ALLEN— Anthony Richardson: 23.2 points | Who played instead: Aaron Rodgers (RIP): 0.0 points
Allen likes Gators players to a FAULT, but for this one week, he decided to “do his own research” costing him an easy win.
2. ALEX— Tyler Algier: 24.4 points | Who played instead: Najee Harris: 5.3 points
We all know Arthur Smith isn't going to let Ridder throw the ball… Alex got lucky this didn't cost him last week.
Week 2 Matchup to Watch
40K Magic (1–0) vs. AL’s Chicken(0–1)
What we have here is the Tyreek Hill game. As we all remember it was just over a year ago today Allen made the trade that led to him being mere inches away from not being in the league this year. However, he’s back and has something to prove. He was unfortunate to not get a win last week and he is hoping to get some good juju coming his way this time around. Matt. O on the other hand needs his team to prove that they arent a flash in the pan with Tyreek and company facing a much tougher New England defense this week. ESPN has this as a tossup but give me Big Al and AR-15 to begin their own revenge tour. Cam is also taking Allen expecting a bounce-back game from Jamar Chase. Matt on the other hand is sticking with the Matthews and subsequent talent on Matt O’s roster.
Cam’s record in Matchup to Watch: 1–0
Keegan’s record in Matchup to Watch: 1–0
Matt’s record in Matchup to Watch: 0–1
Memes
And with that, everyone have a good week, and may the fantasy football odds ever be in your favor.
-Keegan (Commissioner and Champion)
